I'm alive, I promise!

I bet you all thought that I was giving up on this blog-posting, hunh?

Truth be told, I've had a pretty hard last few weeks.

With little time to myself, a maximum number of transitions, and the felt pressure to emotionally disconnect with people from one environment so that I can mentally prepare myself to reconnect with people from another environment, I've become ignorant to my blogger reputation.

I wish I hadn't.

For the past few weeks, as I've been wrapping up my internship at Christ's Church of the Valley, as I've dove head-deep into my final year of orientation at Albright College, and as I've moved myself and my roommates into my on-campus apartment for my year, I've spotted myself quickly-and easily-confessing that "I don't have time to blog."

But honestly, who really has time to blog?

If it's not transitioning from an internship or moving back into school, it'll be starting a new job or finding ways to restructure my schedule to fit the needs of my family in the future. It's easy to excuse one's self for "not having time" with the hustle and bustle of college living, however, it's not the "college living" that restricts my time-it's ANYTHING! I'm always going to have to learn to deal with the difficulty of time management.

That includes holding myself accountable for the responsibilities that weave within those different transitions.

So, I'm making a re-commitment to blog. Knowing the time that is necessary to transition into my "school mode," I do not foresee my blogging activity exceeding a few (perhaps two?) times a week. However, also knowing that its a great way to keep in contact with family and friends (as well as to network), I hope that I can increase my goal before the end of the semester.

Although the topics may shift a big (a little less about ministry and a little more about the anxieties of juggling college-living), I'm excited about the ways in which I can continue to reflect upon my growth as as individual through this writing opportunity.

Won't you join me (again) in this adventure?

I look forward to posting again soon!

Last Words

Last night I had the opportunity to preach my last sermon of my internship on my "Last Words"-a student ministries sermon series in which each of us interns were given the opportunity to preach on what we consider our most important topic.

As said in my sermon, "my last words, the words that I believe affect the center of how every individual lives his or her life, is to love yourself exactly as God created you to be."

I chose the topic knowing it is the most difficult-and yet, most pressing-topic that God challenges me to accept. If I were to die tomorrow and I had to choose one topic to speak on, without a doubt in my mind, I would choose to speak on the importance of discovering your God-given identity and loving to be that person.

Here are a few of the main points from my sermon:

"Because I feel-and maybe you can relate- in a world that is filled with people telling me that I need to be attractive and intelligent to succeed, in a world that is filled with competition, achievement, recognition, status, and reputation; in a world that is filled with people trying to tell me who I am and who I should be when I’m trying to figure that out on my own, its so easy to wish I was someone else and forget who God tells me I am...and how God purposely has created me exactly as I am."

Ephesians 2:10 says this: For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which he has prepared in advance for us to do. In the Greek, workmanship actually translates to work, a work-piece. or the result of work. In fact, a synonm for workmanship is mankind as God's creation."

"...So we God back to this idea about how we're God's creation, and just like a 21 year old girl would never dream of throwing out her elementary school art projects (even after 11+ years) because she created it and it's something that is too special, too important, and too treasured, God could never dream of us-his art work-thinking that we're not good enough or wishing we were someone different."

"You see, when God looks at us-when he calls us his workmanship-the result of work, it's as if he's standing on top of a chair, looking down at his finished art and saying "it is made in my image, and it is very good." You see, God doesn't see us in our moments of insecurities, or frustrations or anxiousness. When God calls us his workmanship, He sees us in light of the big picture. "

[Referring to 1 Corinthians 12: 14-19] "Isn't it obvious that a hand is not the same as a foot is not the same as an ear is not the same as an eye. I mean, we can all agree that they don't look the same or serve the same purpose or have the characteristics. So then, if we're like the parts of the body in this passage, then how can we compare a Melissa Jaworski to a Miley Cyrus to an April Tatta to an Adam Flora? How can we compare a hand to a foot to an ear to an eye? Isn't it obvious that they don't look the same, serve the same purpose, or have the same characteristics? You are the only you that God has ever and will ever create. It's impossible to compare one part of the body to another because no part of the body is like another. God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be."

"God has created you to do great things. So as you take the next 5, 7, or 10 years to figure out this question of 'who am I?' know that you are created with specific qualities for a specific purpose. Know that if you accept your identity, you will become more famous than any top 10 popularity contest this world has to offer. But you can't be good at who you are until you stop trying to be good at who you're not. So love who God created you exactly to be."

Playing House

I always knew I wanted to be a mom some day.


I'm quickly learning that I'm very, very fortunate that some day is still a good time away.


This past week, I've had the pleasure of stepping in as a "house-mom" for a family while the parents are on vacation. (We all discussed that neither "nanny" nor "babysitter" is a cool name.) It didn't take long for me to discover that although I love children and teenagers, I still have very much to learn about parenting.





Here are three key insights that I'm making sure to tuck under my belt:



1. No matter how many times I'll clean the house, it will never be clean enough.

Knowing that the parents of the family that I'm sitting are returning home in a few days, I thought it would be wise to get a head start on a "house-wide" clean up. I spent the better part of this morning running dishes in the dishwasher, loading and folding baskets of laundry, emptying the trash cans, and picking up clothes, games, and "stuff" around the house. In a matter of three hours later, I found the house (again) covered in (this time) stuffed animals, food wrappings, and soccer gear. So much for my morning! I'll save the house-wide clean-up for the day they return!



2. Parents spend a lot of time "being parents."

Kids and teenagers in the United States are BUSY, and so are their moms and dads! It sure takes a lot of time for parents to get kids ready for camps in the morning, run teens to and from sports practices, find ways to entertain, feed, discipline, guide, teach, love, etc, etc. ETC! I'm afraid it never stops!



3. Being a parent means giving up a lot of self time.

This is definitely the insight that most helps me understand that I am FAR from ready to settle down and have kids! I've always known that I didn't want to have children until I was 30-did I mention that has now changed to 35? Just kidding-I'm not really wrapped up in ages. I do know though, that I need a lot of time to experience life for myself-discovering my passions, learning how to live on my own (before I live for others), traveling, and falling more in love each day with my future husband (I know, I'm a romantic). Parents certainly sacrifice a lot of personal time and comfort to best provide for their children.



Parenting is some job! I certainly appreciate my parents so much for the time, dedication, and love that they've poured into me throughout the years. If you're a parent reading today, YOU ARE SUCH A BLESSING TO YOUR CHILD'S LIFE! I'm sure it's easy to forget that when caught up in the busyness of schedules, meals, and weekend sleepovers. You are some of the most tangible vessels God has to reach His children. What a responsibility...and an honor!

Influence

There are many times that I wonder what other people think of me.

You know,

If they think I'm "cool"..

If I'm smart...

Wise...

Hard-working...

Creative...

Dedicated...

The list can go on.

I frequently, sometimes too frequently, find myself asking the question "how am I influencing others around me?"

Today, I had the privilege to find out some answers to that very question.

The 5 CCV interns and I had a very special privilege to attend lunch with Ben Foulke and Frank Chiapperino today at the Cheesecake Factory in honor of it being one of the last times we'll ever all spend the summer together. While there, Frank Chiapperino, our supervisor, coach, mentor-surprised us each with a list of encouraging thoughts and comments from students and volunteers. As we read our lists to each other, it was beautiful to witness the unraveling of each personality-and how all 5 of the personalities clicked together to complete the puzzle we teasingly call "BAAAM."

Through sharing, it was very clear that Adam's strength and fearlessness shine through his passion for ministry, Alex's talent chimes off his guitar, Brendon's big heart melts with compassion, and April's encouragement and enthusiasm spread contagiously. I, to my surprise, collected a variety of comments reflecting my intelligence, leadership, and "well-roundedness."

No longer did I have to wonder; ways in which I influence others were staring right back at me on the paper.

On a positive note, I was very satisfied with what I saw.
Proud, even.

Someone once told me that you'll never realize the full potential to which you can influence an individual.

Someone else helped me realize that within this summer, I've helped connect to 1000+ children and youth.

I wonder of the influence that I've helped impress on each of their hearts.
Have I led them to question who Jesus is more?
Have I encouraged or inspired them in their walk with God?
Do they see me as a role model or a mentor?

As I reflect on my experience this summer, I know I'll hold tight to the simple white sheet of plain computer paper that carries a heartbeat of its own through the love poured out by others' praise. I'll never let that go.

Thank you, so much, if you've been one of those to offer your praise, compliments, or encouragement to me in the past few months. You don't realize just how far your compassion has reached. It's words like those on that white paper that help remind me of my influence on others.

I hope that soon you'll hear a return piece of praise that compliments your personality.
Maybe you too will receive a simple white sheet.
Words like those aren't meant to be silenced.

I've got a vision

I had a vision today.

...about what a children's ministry could be like.

Kids could be greeted with a wide variety of "walk in activities"
Kids could become energized by the large group stage games, mixers, and ice-breakers
Kids could worship to God by song, dance, and motions-or any combination of the three!
Kids could feel as if they're watching a story unfold-like a movie-by watching live drama and acting of stories that relive bible verses, themes, and scenarios
Kids would enjoy the unique opportunity of small group time to understand what it means to know God and to be a Christ follower.


What if kids would love to bring their friends to church?

What if kids started to want to help leading small groups, help acting in the dramas, and help leading worship because of the joy that it's brought them?

What if children's childlike faith began to become alive?

It's happening. God's moving-fast. He now just needs people who share the vision.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." [Matthew 18:5]

Doubt

Why are there so many people hurting in this world...?

...and why can't I help them?

Let me change that.


Why are there so many people hurting in my world, and why do I fail to help them?

I wish there was a way that I could help make every marriage and relationship perfect, that I could help make every family love each other and spend time together, that I could help every teenager and young adult value themselves...

I wish I felt like I was actually doing something.

But I'm doubting myself.

I'm doubting God's timing, I'm doubting God's promises, I'm doubting God's work through me, and I'm doubting the fruit that I can't see being planted right now because I'm too busy worrying over if I'm tossing enough seeds.

What is it about doubt that just...sucks so much?

John 20:27 says "stop doubting and believe." Perfect memory verse, yet much easier said than done! When will I actually learn to use the word of God as offense to questions and feelings like these? When am I going to stop worrying about doubting myself so that I can believe in God? When will I truly live out the reality that my life isn't about me, but is about serving Him?

"Stop doubting and believe."

[Okay, okay, okay...breathe.]

Although slowly-sometimes, very slowly, I'm learning that God allows for experiences, conversations, and people to interrupt the "perfect plans" of our live so that we can be reminded-again and again and again and again-who ACTUALLY is in control. Sometimes-most times-it is so easy to feel frustrated by a "lack of performance" to help people. Many times, I quickly become discouraged at these moments because of my weaknesses and incompetency. Yet, these are the beautiful moments where-if we believe-we can trust God to handle our situations in His perfect timing.

I'm learning.

Slowly but surely.

"Stop doubting and believe."

Teaching, Ministry, or...?

When I was 5 years old, I remember spending all of my time in front of a 2ft high x 3ft long black chalkboard that my dad nailed into the wall to display before my "classroom." The classroom, full of young, bright students consisted of none other than a variety of fisher price tables, desks, and chairs with stuffed animals of every color, animal, and shape. My younger brother, John, was the brightest of them all. He always scored well on his weekly spelling test, aced his geography questions, and completed mathematical equations "to the T."

Hours of "playing school" carried me through years of actually attending school and dreaming at every chance possible the day when I would have my own real classroom.

I was a teacher. Always.

That is, until middle-school.

I remember thinking in 8th grade that I was meant to be something "different than a teacher." I remember thinking that I wanted to be someone that was extraordinary; someone that was unusual; someone that would enter a career unfamiliar to most. I desired a job completely different than the typical teacher.

I remember exploring the possibilities of being a fitness director, a personal trainer, a counselor, a nutritionist, a wedding planner-a professional scrap-booker? (I wish.) It wasn't until my senior year of high school, however, when I came across that "extraordinary" experience that's continued to challenge my dream to teach ever since.

I discovered ministry.

In the fall of 2004, I made a firm decision to begin attending Christ's Church of the Valley's high school youth group, Riot. When visiting the youth ministry on my first visit, I remember telling the youth minister, "I could do this. How do I get involved with something like this?"

From that point forward, I began a very active role as an involved teenager within not only the youth group, but the church's Sunday morning children's program; Valley Kids. Immediately I fell in love with the idea of "ministry," and by May 2005, I signed up for a one month high-school internship.

I never forgot my glorified short-lived youth ministry experience, and that summer, I was inspired by the children's minister's skills and talents to teach hundreds of children God's word with such energy and ease. Despite my rather considerate scholarship to a local Pennsylvania liberal arts college, I spent many days that summer exploring Christian school programs for youth and children's ministry. No changes. I left that summer to pursue an elementary education degree at Albright College.

Since then, the joys of ministry have not since left my mind.

After years of continued deliberation between my passion for teaching and my passion for ministry, I was excited this past spring to receive a summer internship within the departments of youth and children's ministry at Christ's Church of the Valley. "Finally!" I celebrated. "An opportunity for me to discern my passions and true calling!"

Yea.

Right.

Don't we all wish it was that easy?

Only a few weeks away from completing my internship, I find myself in no easier of a decision making process than weeks, months, or years before. I've had moments where I couldn't ever imagine even comparing ministry to teaching at a public school. I love this job, I think. I'm good at it, and I could see myself helping to grow this ministry. Yet, I've had other moments where I can't wait until the internship finishes its end so that I can return to Albright College to finish my education program, student teach, and pursue my "true calling" of teaching.

In all honesty, most of the latter moments have stirred from frustrations of feeling incompetent in a specific ministry role.

I've never more easily convinced that I can't do something than in ministry.

Ministry is a lot more difficult than many people know, or think, or care to know or think about!

But for some reason, no matter how many times I think "I can't do ministry," or "I'm just fit to be a teacher," or "this isn't for me," my passion never goes away.

Frustrating.

So I wonder, do I feel a call on my heart to pursue vocational ministry or do I feel a call to do "ministry" while teaching?

Knowing my personality, I wish I knew.

For now, as my internship with children's and youth ministry comes to a close, I plan to collect as
much wisdom, guidance, and experience as possible from the extremely talented staff members at CCV. Come August 17th, I'll be returning to Albright College to finish my last year of college, in which I'll be student teaching in inner-city Reading, PA in the spring of 2009. From there, only God knows.

It's a scary thing to admit that-"only God knows." For 12+ years of my educational career, I've known what to aim for, achieve, and expect of the future to follow. This is one year, one decision, one future that I truly need to learn to give to God.

I hope I'm ready.

I'm glad God is.