Teaching Frustrations.

Today in the realm of student teaching, my responsibilities have increased immensely. I now teach Reading Acceleration, Math, Writing Acceleration, Reading, and Language Arts. Although one may think I'm excited to finally experience a realistic teaching role, I've contained some thoughts that make me think otherwise.

Take a look.

Some of the things that frustrate me about teaching include:

1. The amount of paper that is wasted on worksheets throughout the day.
2. The amount of time that goes into preparing a lesson that only gets 10 minutes attention in class (and then is thrown out afterwards). It reminds me of taking thirty minutes to wrap a Christmas present only so it can be torn in thirty seconds the next morning.
3. Feeling like I need to babysit children all day long just so to make sure they don't call each other "stupid."
4. How you can look for a resource for hours and still find nothing. What a waste of time! I totally could be investing in wedding planning during those hours.
   
5. How ridiculously tired and exhausted I feel at 5pm. I thought I was 22, not 122.
6. Not feeling as if I have time to enjoy time with my friends (or for myself) because I'm constantly typing up lesson plans that also waste paper and time. Don't school districts understand anything about "going green?"
7. The fear that at the age of 22 I will soon sound like a 60 year old woman who's been smoking for 40 years because of the number of times I need to raise my voice.
8. Being afraid to wake up from a nap from 5:30pm-7:30pm because I know that when I awake, I'll be 12 hours closer to Tuesday morning, trapped in a school from 8am-4pm.
9. This nagging feeling that I can't be my whole self in the classroom. I'd rather be dancing and singing on a stage any day than standing in front of a classroom counting down to from 3 to gather students' attention.
10. Feeling as if a passion that I've held since I've been 5 years old is dying inside of me.

Thank God for a gift in public speaking.

BIG: Come and See

I just returned home from a weekend retreat, Quest 2009; InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Winter Weekend Retreat for the Northeast PA Region. It was phenomenal, energizing, and humbling, to say in the least.

As an extrovert, I adore conferences. I love the amounts of people, I love the energy, I love how worship, talks, activities, and "hang out" time events are planned 100x "bigger" than usual weekly meetings.

And when I think big, I dream of hundreds, even thousands attending one conference.


Yet, what I love-and what challenges me- about InterVarsity's conferences are that they're normally not larger than 100 students, if that. Even with 5 different campuses attending, we had less than this number. And yet, I found the opportunity, community, and authenticity develop and dwell within the group of staff and students whom gathered together in the cabin.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to experience powerful worship where, when singing together, we sounded as if there were hundreds of us, yet when glancing to the left or right, you couldn't help but smile at the genuine intimacy shared in the worship experience. Even more, when it came time to "express yourself" with clapping, dancing, and throwing your hands up to God, no one was afraid to act. I must admit that conference has been one of the most vivid circumstances in which I recall not thinking twice about "what my friends will think" when dancing and throwing my arms up to God.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to engage in activities in which we gathered together to experience scripture. When discussing John 2 and Jesus' turning water into wine, we decorated the entire basement with 908 paper cut outs of wine bottles to represent the 180 gallons in the Jewish purification jars. Later that night, we celebrated Jesus' promise that "he unexpectedly provides the best and the most" by dancing to Jewish music with 40 people in a giant circle, creating a nine foot-long banana split, and playing twister with 15 different twister boards. Crowded, yet intimate.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to reflect on how "Jesus always sees us" no matter where we're at in life-good or bad-not only individually, but in small groups. We were able to spend genuine time sharing and praying in those groups, and then even prayed for people who made decisions as a larger group.

Experiencing Jesus within this group-truly experiencing Jesus within this group has influenced my thoughts about "conference sizes."

Yet, as I'm always imagining my future and seeking critical interests in others whom share my passions, I could not ignore the observations I recorded concerning the conferees speakers. The speakers were a married couple, both very talented at their gift of communicating, whom reach us students in a variety of ways; humor, emotions, both! While listening their approaches, considering their prep time, and fascinating at their abundance of stories, I began to wonder, "How would I feel speaking at a conference with 70 students? Is that impressive? What does it say about your talent as a speaker? Should I even be thinking about that? Do they even think about that? What's wrong with me?"

Too many times I get caught up in this idea of "big."

Especially when it comes to thinking about my future.

And why do I really love "big" anyway? Is it because I love that so many people are being invited to "come and see" Jesus? Or is it because my experience of "big" creates a false illusion of worth, value, and uniqueness?

Guilty: #2.

As an extrovert, I'm energized by massive amounts of people. Yet, in my journey of self-discovery and understanding how God's wired me to serve in my future, I need to be authentic in my love and desire to one day be apart of "big events." Whether that means being on staff at a big church, speaking at big conferences, or becoming a part of an international ministry, it means realizing that I'm not who I am because of the size of the events that I speak at. I'm who I am because of the one I choose to speak about while at these events.

And as I learned this weekend, as I continue on this "quest" to know Jesus better,"

Jesus promises that he will unexpectedly provide the best and the most (John 2).

Jesus sees me all the time and loves me anyway (John 4).

Jesus has invited me to "come and see" life with him (John 1).

And whether BIG or small, size indifferent, I'm being called to somehow- whether by speaking, teaching, or serving-invite others to do the same.

"Come and see."

Not to come and hear me, Melissa Jaworski.

But to come and see Jesus, the living God.

Urban Education

I've just completed my first official week of student teaching.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't say "official." I did have a snow day on my "official" start day.

Regardless, I feel as if I've been student teaching for a month.

Let me share some of my initial thoughts with ya'll.

By special request, I've been placed in a local inner-city urban school. The school is one of fourteen elementary schools in the district. By the time students advance to the district high school, they are 1 of 5,000 students. (That's more than twice my college population!) The school population is heavily diverse; African American, Latino, or Caucasian, etc. In fact, many students move from Puerto Rico, the Dominican, or Mexico to this city specifically for employment purposes! Most of the classes in the school have between 20-25 students, and most of the teachers are Caucasian females. I believe there are about 5 or 6 male teachers.

Beyond the general demographics of the school population, certain details pertaining to the specific culture of inner city education may shock you. With the exception of the 6th grade “magnet schools," no students in the entire district are bussed to their respective schools. Even in elementary schools, the majority of students walk to school. These students arrive at school at 8:30am and are not dismissed until 3:10pm without a single break from doing school-work. Because of wavering PSSA scores, administrators have cut recess from students' schedules to allow for more curriculum, teaching, and PSSA preparation time. Certain subjects such as science and social studies are sacrificed in lieu of preparing students for reading and math proficiency. Students are required to complete daily PSSA computer prep, while some participate after-school in additional PSSA preparation.

In this city, students are used to change. Due to rent payments, monetary issues, or other related causes, families will often move to different parts of the city. Thus, it is not uncommon for students to miss school for several days (or sometimes) weeks in a row! Even more, it is not uncommon for students to change elementary schools mid-year or for students to have attended 3-4 different elementary schools before their fourth-grade year. My cooperating teacher told me a story about how one year she had a class of 28 students, and by the end of her school year, only 8 of those 28 students were her original students assigned in September of that school year.

“Melissa, welcome to inner-city education.”

In the week that I’ve shadowed my cooperating teacher, I’ve gained knowledge about the frustrations, discouragements, and challenges of inner-city education. I’ve watch teachers cry over low PSSA scores and burnt-out teachers scream in frustration. I’ve gained knowledge of the hindrance of uncooperative and apathetic students and parents, language barriers, inadequate funding, inopportune resources, lack of budgeting, etc.

The teachers on my team laugh because of how I’ve been “tainted” by this experience.

And so, you’re probably wondering, when will I be running away screaming?

If I plan to stay in education, that’ll be…

Right around…

Never.

Despite the horror stories, the language barriers, the inadequate funding, inopportune resources, lack of budgeting, etc. I could a more desirable environment in which to teach.

With each new challenge that is presented before me, I’m encouraged and inspired to teach in this particular city. I’ve asked the teachers to tell me as much as possible about the reality of their jobs. I’ve told the teachers that I won’t be scared by anything they have to share. If I pursue education, I will teach in an urban environment.

I will help reveal to these students that they are valuable.

That they are loved.

And that they have purpose.

“She’s so naïve,” they think.

Perhaps. I mean, I do think that I can make a difference in the lives of many.

Challenges won’t stop that.

After all, why choose to be cynical about a passion to love others?

Snow Day

I predicted it.

I was going to have a snow day on my first day of student teaching.

I woke up this morning at 4:30am, pulling the blinds back to my apartment parking lot dressed in inches of white. "Snow day!" I cheered to myself as I jumped back in bed. I later woke around 6:15am to confirm my suspicion, and was enthusiastically congratulated when "Reading School District" flashed across the screen.

No one is ever too old to have a snow day.

Rather than spending my Wednesday observing a 5th grade class at my first placement; Northwest Elementary School, I finished an internship application for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship; a possible job opportunity for next year. I was thankful to have the time to thoroughly complete the application, along with some time to enjoy shopping with my roommate Sarah and scrapbooking while watching a movie with my roommate Nadine.

After completing the application, I turned to Nadine to share an answer with her, remarking that "sometimes we have no idea just how impactful we are as part of God's plans until we answer a question about it."

"We don't give ourselves enough credit," I told her.

Not that witnessing or discipling or journeying alongside someone as they come to know Jesus is about "giving ourselves credit," it's just that sometimes, we don't think that we "really make a difference" when in fact, we do.

Take a look at the response I shared with Nadine:

Name one person, not a follower of Jesus at the time, with whom you’ve talked during this school year about following Jesus. In what ways did you speak and model the Gospel to this person? What happened?

This past semester, my best friend and I decided to co-lead a small group for some upper-classmen women. One of these ladies in particular has been a close friend of mine since freshmen year. In the past, knowing she wasn’t a follower of Jesus, but seemed interested in why I was, I’ve comforted or encouraged her with scripture, discussed with her some major apocalyptic questions, and even bought her a Bible for herself. I invited her to large group Albright Christian Fellowship meetings, which she attended a few times throughout freshmen year before stopping, and to our first camping retreat that same year. I’ve taken her to Hope’s Hangout, an after-school program which serves inner-city youth. Whenever hanging out, whether at dinner, at a game night, or at a party, I’ve always been conscious to model other aspects of the Gospel to her (and others) through demonstrating a loving, caring, and respectful attitude towards myself and others.

This year, she immediately accepted the small group invitation, exclaiming that she and another friend were “just talking about wanting to do something like this.” Since the small group has begun she has hardly missed a meeting. Within small group time, we catch up on “life details,” discuss scripture, pray, and watch Grey’s Anatomy together. (I’ve learned to tolerate the show; the things I do for Jesus!) Prompting the group with questions and discussion, my friend has eagerly asked questions of her own; bringing up points of confusion and discussing significant pieces to the passages in response to the prompts. She loved learning that Jesus’ first miracle involved turning water into wine: Jesus wants us to have fun, and learning that Jesus is not a boring, soft-spoken, pacifist as conveyed in a Vintage-21 You Tube video, but an intelligent, risk-taking, and creative person! She even takes notes during discussion!

My friend and I spend time outside of small group together, too. We’ll sometimes eat dinner together, attend a party together, or head to the bar with some friends on the weekend. During these times, we’ll not always have direct conversation about Jesus or faith, but she’ll tell me stories about how her and her friend decided to give up gossiping or how my relationship with her boyfriend has served as a positive model for her relationship with her boyfriend. She’s expressed interest in continuing a small group this semester, and has admitted during some reflection time in small group that “it’s easy for her to read the gospel and be amazed at Jesus, but it’s hard for her to think about changing a lot of her lifestyle choices if she ‘follows Jesus.’” I’m excited to continue to walk alongside my friend as she adventures through this next part of her journey. I know that she’ll forever be a great friend of mine, and her journey with Jesus has been both inspirational and encouraging.

I never realized the impact that my friendship with my friend could have with her relationship with Jesus. All this time, I felt guilty because I had "not done enough" to share the gospel with her, yet what I didn't realize was that God's been working in my friend's heart for four years-regardless of my awareness.

Wanting our friends to love and know Jesus as we do, too many times we "beat ourselves up" because we "don't do enough." It's important to remember that before Jesus began quoting any scripture, he formed relationships with the people around him. He dined with them (Mark 2), sincerely listened to them (John 4), and empathized with others over the death of a friend (John 11).

People were fascinated by what he had to say because he was relational with them first.

As I continue to enjoy reflecting on the relationships which God has blessed me with, I pray that I can follow Jesus not only in attitude and love, but in his model for ministry.

What Jesus Didn't Do

Below is an article by Nathan Plye that the leadership team of my campus' InterVarsity Christian Fellowship read and discussed during our pre-semester training this past Sunday. Ironically (or not-so-ironically) the article raises some pretty interesting discussion starters about limitations and expectations; two issues that are recently "hot" on my personal reflection radar. The article can be found on relevantmagaizine.org.




If you wanted to meet every American in your lifetime, you’d have about 10 seconds to shake hands with each person and exchange names.

It would take one hundred years. You couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and most importantly couldn’t wash your hands. (I bet you’d get real sick.)

In other words, it would be impossible. There is no way you could meet every single American in your lifetime. I was pondering this fact recently when someone told me that the world population at the time of Jesus was likely similar to that of modern day America.

After considering this for a while, I came to a bold conclusion. Steady yourself. Call me crazy, but I concluded that Jesus did not meet every person on Earth in his 30-plus years here. I’m not saying He couldn’t have. I’m just saying He probably didn’t. Now, certainly He ministered to hundreds and thousands; Scripture is clear about that. But the larger part of the world He probably never spoke to. It’s likely there were sick people that He didn’t heal, miserable people He didn’t comfort and hungry people He never fed.

I think there is something important to learn here, but we must be clear. As we read the gospels, we see Jesus always quick to heal anyone who came to Him. He wasn’t running away from crowds or screaming at the mob of lepers like in the famous scene in Jesus Christ Superstar.

He was more than willing and able. It’s just that He had only a certain amount of time and a certain group of people to whom He was called to minister. And that’s it. He came to do His Father’s will and nothing else.

It may sound strange to say it, but the idea has lifted a great burden off my shoulders since it came into my mind. Jesus, whom we are to imitate, had a finite to-do list in His earthly life.

So do you.

You can’t feed every AIDS orphan. You won’t house every homeless person you pass. There are thousands of cities you should never visit and billions of people out there that you are not meant to minister to. You should find peace in this. I do. In fact–this may sound callous–but I find peace in the ability, when I’m passing so many people on the street, to say to myself, “I may or may not minister to you.”

It seems crazy, right? But I know I’m not the only one who has felt this weight. Like my buddy Chad said, “When I chose my kid for Compassion International, I felt like the guy in the pet store who wants to take home every single puppy.”

But we can’t. And we shouldn’t–we’re on a team. We all need to be reminded of this because there is a certain tendency for sensitivity to go hand in hand with an egotistical and absurd belief that it is my job is to save the world. But if St. Paul said it once he said it a million times: you are a part of the whole. You play your part and only your part.

That’s a relief. I couldn’t even meet everybody in my own country, much less remember their names. (I know this because my record is remembering just 5 new names at once–I set it just this past Sunday during the turn-and-greet part of the service.)

God has indeed called us to go and preach the Gospel to everyone. But understand this: Christ’s earthly ministry set an example for us in its limits. You are to play your specific role in the body of Christ just as, when He was here on earth, He played His role in the body of Christ.

Can it be said too often? Look to Jesus as your model. We must find our role if we are to accomplish His redemptive plan. Once we find our fit, we as a body can link arms and form a giant chain to sweep across the land and search for every lost soul like all the townies looking for Jim Carrey in The Truman Show.

We are inseparably linked. In this knowledge, I find freedom. It’s a different kind of freedom, being linked to the whole. But it’s the best kind. So it is, whenever I pass people on the street, I can say, “I may or may not minister to you, but somebody will.”

Because I’m on team that will not lose. And I can rest in this truth.

Graffiti Board

My final class at Albright College will finish tomorrow.

I'm done classes at Albright.

Forever.

It has been quite an enjoyable "interim" (January term). As I described in a previous post, it has been a time for me to rejoice in "MJ time," celebrate friendship with others, and work on my "domestic skills" of cooking. With the exception of the cooking thing, I met my goals efficiently, and after some final presentations in class tomorrow, my interim will cease.

I'm excited about my final project. It's objective was very appropriate for the last project that I'll ever create for an Albright class. The project required us students to create anything, whether a game, poem, dance, painting, etc. to symbolize our personal growth throughout the class. Tomorrow, each student is expected to share his/her project with the class.

I chose to do some graffiti for my project.

Not real graffiti of course (I'm not that talented), but instead, I represented my feelings through an activity called a "graffiti board." This activity was introduced within our education theatre class. It's similar to a brainstorming web; a topic is written in the middle of a board, piece of paper, etc. and participants are invited to come and record words, pictures, etc. to represent their ideas about that topic. For example, if the central topic is food, one could draw a picture of a pizza slice, write "Chinese food," or do a combination of both! With the topic of "educational theatre, my final project ended up looking a bit like this:


Organized chaos at first glance, hunh? It's interesting, however, because as one chooses to admire the graffiti a bit closer, one can see that a theme of words and numbers draw itself across the posterboard from 1-15. Each of these days, separate by by different colored shapes (day 1 is a blue square, day 2 is a light blued circle, day 3 is a green square, etc.) summarizes a "theme" for what was learned that day.

What I loved about this project was that it challenged me to understand the value of moments of reflection and expressing that reflection in ways that illustrate intentional periods of growth.

I suppose that's not completely true. I've always been aware that reflection is valuable, I just never have taken the time out of my schedule to do it.

This has always been a problem in my personal journey of understanding myself and coming to know Jesus. While I've always been quick to adventure on self-discovery by enthusiastically joining clubs, meeting new people, and taking risks, I've never quite taken the time to reflect on such opportunities and experiences. Instead, I always find myself too exhausted from the day's events to record a special moment or to ponder a theme that summarizes my growth for the day.

Even more, I hardly make time to quietly sit with God in prayer or to reflect on Jesus' teachings so that I can record a special moment or ponder a theme that summarizes my growth or understanding with Him.

If you want to grow in understanding yourself and Jesus, not reflecting is not an option.

Not making the time to reflect-to record a thought, to sit and think about the day, to make quiet time for prayer or hearing from God is unacceptable. Understandable, it's hard work. Many times, whether it be before the day's agenda or after a night's activities, we're too tired to sit and reflect- it's just one more thing to do! And yet, we wonder how our life can feel so "purposeless" when we fill it with activities, service, and "good, Christ-like" things to help others comes to known Jesus.

When seeking God's word, scripture reminds us that God speaks to us in whispers.

• The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ( 1 Kings 19:11-13).
  

I want to be okay with have moments of silence, quiet, and reflection.

I want to hear God speak to me in whispers.

I think I'll continue to jot down a word or two to summarize a "theme" for my day. I'll expect that these records will extremely helpful over the next few weeks. Perhaps some of them will appear in my blog, or perhaps, I'll have to make another graffiti board.

Perfection

I just finished a very interesting conversation over the phone with Adam. After Adam mentioned that he was bored, I enthusiastically began asking him a few "romantic questions" from a cheesy couples' question dating book that I grabbed a few years ago. After a few "warm up" questions, ene of the questions asked, "What is one personality trait that you possess that is a bit out of the norm compared to others around you?"

I chose to discuss my "personality trait" to constantly drive after perfection within everything I do. Although Adam has been well-aware of this personality trait since he read an essay I had written in my junior year of high school pertaining to "my" Scarlet Letter (a "P" for Perfectionist), I proceeded to explain how I aim to externally display to others a (false) sense of perfectionism. Whether one were to walk through my unusually-tidy college apartment, marvel at my unique collection of photographs and keepsakes from significant events in my life (homecoming, prom, birthdays, etc.), or simply come across me in passing, I confess this egocentric, unrealistic, and downright disgusted desire for others to envy me.

I told Adam, "I want people to look at me, read about me in the newspaper, hear about me in friends' conversations, and say, 'I want her life.'"

Of course, I realize the immaturity-and in insincerity- in that statement. I feel even worse knowing that I've published this blog and anyone could be reading my confession. Yet, I desire to no longer define myself by such measures-perfection-or false motivations that are likewise self-serving. My blog is one about my journey to understand who God has created me to be, when no one's looking.

Who am I when no-one's looking?

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, right?

I have a problem with self-image.

If you were to catch me a real vulnerable moment, as Adam had, I'd confess that I care too much what others think about me and thus, I'm motivated to participate in organizations, programs, and opportunities to boost my personal reputation. I want to be in the most ambitious clubs, collect the most elite recognitions, and transcend every one's expectation of "the best." Even as I confess these things here on this blog, I still want my post to seem "perfect."

Ouch. That's ugly. (And quite time-consuming.)

But, really, honestly, if I were to strip myself of my fear that without my achievements, recognition, and reputation I'd be "nobody," I'd admit that I really want to not have to join so many clubs or complete so many programs to "feel" as if I'm "someone worthy to recognize." I want to not care what Albright College has to commemorate me with when I walk across the stage on graduation day. I want to be confident that I'm a beautiful creation of God because I'm a beautiful creation of God-and nothing more.

I want to be confident that what I do does not define who I am.

For some reason, I feel this self-image/comparisons/perfectionist issue really hits home for women, especially. Although Jesus is a wonderful example of someone who's demonstrated self-confidence in who he is and not by what he does, I feel led to look at a woman role model for this issue.

Immediately, I am drawn to the Mary/Martha story shared in Luke 10; a story of two sisters and their interaction with Jesus. As Martha busies herself with preparing the house and meal for Jesus, Mary chooses to "sit at the Lord's feet listening to what He said" (Luke 10:40).

I want to be a Mary. I want to just sit at the Lord's feet and know that I am his.

I don't want to be a Martha. I dont' want to feel as if the only way I feel significant is if I busy myself with measurable and accomplishable tasks.

How do I learn to sit at the Lord's feet? And what other female role models are there to admire within the Bible? What does the Bible have to say about this topic of perfectionism?
(I would love to hear some thoughts and suggestions.)

As I finally confess whole-heartedly my inappropriate motivation and desire of my false self-image, I realize that my change of mind/self-image will not be an easy-nor quick-transition, especially for someone who has defined herself by the former for so many years. Yet, it is so important to me that I understand, seek, and desire a true knowledge and confidence about my identity, regardless of career, achievements, or recognition.