Perfection

I just finished a very interesting conversation over the phone with Adam. After Adam mentioned that he was bored, I enthusiastically began asking him a few "romantic questions" from a cheesy couples' question dating book that I grabbed a few years ago. After a few "warm up" questions, ene of the questions asked, "What is one personality trait that you possess that is a bit out of the norm compared to others around you?"

I chose to discuss my "personality trait" to constantly drive after perfection within everything I do. Although Adam has been well-aware of this personality trait since he read an essay I had written in my junior year of high school pertaining to "my" Scarlet Letter (a "P" for Perfectionist), I proceeded to explain how I aim to externally display to others a (false) sense of perfectionism. Whether one were to walk through my unusually-tidy college apartment, marvel at my unique collection of photographs and keepsakes from significant events in my life (homecoming, prom, birthdays, etc.), or simply come across me in passing, I confess this egocentric, unrealistic, and downright disgusted desire for others to envy me.

I told Adam, "I want people to look at me, read about me in the newspaper, hear about me in friends' conversations, and say, 'I want her life.'"

Of course, I realize the immaturity-and in insincerity- in that statement. I feel even worse knowing that I've published this blog and anyone could be reading my confession. Yet, I desire to no longer define myself by such measures-perfection-or false motivations that are likewise self-serving. My blog is one about my journey to understand who God has created me to be, when no one's looking.

Who am I when no-one's looking?

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, right?

I have a problem with self-image.

If you were to catch me a real vulnerable moment, as Adam had, I'd confess that I care too much what others think about me and thus, I'm motivated to participate in organizations, programs, and opportunities to boost my personal reputation. I want to be in the most ambitious clubs, collect the most elite recognitions, and transcend every one's expectation of "the best." Even as I confess these things here on this blog, I still want my post to seem "perfect."

Ouch. That's ugly. (And quite time-consuming.)

But, really, honestly, if I were to strip myself of my fear that without my achievements, recognition, and reputation I'd be "nobody," I'd admit that I really want to not have to join so many clubs or complete so many programs to "feel" as if I'm "someone worthy to recognize." I want to not care what Albright College has to commemorate me with when I walk across the stage on graduation day. I want to be confident that I'm a beautiful creation of God because I'm a beautiful creation of God-and nothing more.

I want to be confident that what I do does not define who I am.

For some reason, I feel this self-image/comparisons/perfectionist issue really hits home for women, especially. Although Jesus is a wonderful example of someone who's demonstrated self-confidence in who he is and not by what he does, I feel led to look at a woman role model for this issue.

Immediately, I am drawn to the Mary/Martha story shared in Luke 10; a story of two sisters and their interaction with Jesus. As Martha busies herself with preparing the house and meal for Jesus, Mary chooses to "sit at the Lord's feet listening to what He said" (Luke 10:40).

I want to be a Mary. I want to just sit at the Lord's feet and know that I am his.

I don't want to be a Martha. I dont' want to feel as if the only way I feel significant is if I busy myself with measurable and accomplishable tasks.

How do I learn to sit at the Lord's feet? And what other female role models are there to admire within the Bible? What does the Bible have to say about this topic of perfectionism?
(I would love to hear some thoughts and suggestions.)

As I finally confess whole-heartedly my inappropriate motivation and desire of my false self-image, I realize that my change of mind/self-image will not be an easy-nor quick-transition, especially for someone who has defined herself by the former for so many years. Yet, it is so important to me that I understand, seek, and desire a true knowledge and confidence about my identity, regardless of career, achievements, or recognition.