Teaching Frustrations.

Today in the realm of student teaching, my responsibilities have increased immensely. I now teach Reading Acceleration, Math, Writing Acceleration, Reading, and Language Arts. Although one may think I'm excited to finally experience a realistic teaching role, I've contained some thoughts that make me think otherwise.

Take a look.

Some of the things that frustrate me about teaching include:

1. The amount of paper that is wasted on worksheets throughout the day.
2. The amount of time that goes into preparing a lesson that only gets 10 minutes attention in class (and then is thrown out afterwards). It reminds me of taking thirty minutes to wrap a Christmas present only so it can be torn in thirty seconds the next morning.
3. Feeling like I need to babysit children all day long just so to make sure they don't call each other "stupid."
4. How you can look for a resource for hours and still find nothing. What a waste of time! I totally could be investing in wedding planning during those hours.
   
5. How ridiculously tired and exhausted I feel at 5pm. I thought I was 22, not 122.
6. Not feeling as if I have time to enjoy time with my friends (or for myself) because I'm constantly typing up lesson plans that also waste paper and time. Don't school districts understand anything about "going green?"
7. The fear that at the age of 22 I will soon sound like a 60 year old woman who's been smoking for 40 years because of the number of times I need to raise my voice.
8. Being afraid to wake up from a nap from 5:30pm-7:30pm because I know that when I awake, I'll be 12 hours closer to Tuesday morning, trapped in a school from 8am-4pm.
9. This nagging feeling that I can't be my whole self in the classroom. I'd rather be dancing and singing on a stage any day than standing in front of a classroom counting down to from 3 to gather students' attention.
10. Feeling as if a passion that I've held since I've been 5 years old is dying inside of me.

Thank God for a gift in public speaking.

BIG: Come and See

I just returned home from a weekend retreat, Quest 2009; InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Winter Weekend Retreat for the Northeast PA Region. It was phenomenal, energizing, and humbling, to say in the least.

As an extrovert, I adore conferences. I love the amounts of people, I love the energy, I love how worship, talks, activities, and "hang out" time events are planned 100x "bigger" than usual weekly meetings.

And when I think big, I dream of hundreds, even thousands attending one conference.


Yet, what I love-and what challenges me- about InterVarsity's conferences are that they're normally not larger than 100 students, if that. Even with 5 different campuses attending, we had less than this number. And yet, I found the opportunity, community, and authenticity develop and dwell within the group of staff and students whom gathered together in the cabin.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to experience powerful worship where, when singing together, we sounded as if there were hundreds of us, yet when glancing to the left or right, you couldn't help but smile at the genuine intimacy shared in the worship experience. Even more, when it came time to "express yourself" with clapping, dancing, and throwing your hands up to God, no one was afraid to act. I must admit that conference has been one of the most vivid circumstances in which I recall not thinking twice about "what my friends will think" when dancing and throwing my arms up to God.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to engage in activities in which we gathered together to experience scripture. When discussing John 2 and Jesus' turning water into wine, we decorated the entire basement with 908 paper cut outs of wine bottles to represent the 180 gallons in the Jewish purification jars. Later that night, we celebrated Jesus' promise that "he unexpectedly provides the best and the most" by dancing to Jewish music with 40 people in a giant circle, creating a nine foot-long banana split, and playing twister with 15 different twister boards. Crowded, yet intimate.

Because of the size of our group, we were able to reflect on how "Jesus always sees us" no matter where we're at in life-good or bad-not only individually, but in small groups. We were able to spend genuine time sharing and praying in those groups, and then even prayed for people who made decisions as a larger group.

Experiencing Jesus within this group-truly experiencing Jesus within this group has influenced my thoughts about "conference sizes."

Yet, as I'm always imagining my future and seeking critical interests in others whom share my passions, I could not ignore the observations I recorded concerning the conferees speakers. The speakers were a married couple, both very talented at their gift of communicating, whom reach us students in a variety of ways; humor, emotions, both! While listening their approaches, considering their prep time, and fascinating at their abundance of stories, I began to wonder, "How would I feel speaking at a conference with 70 students? Is that impressive? What does it say about your talent as a speaker? Should I even be thinking about that? Do they even think about that? What's wrong with me?"

Too many times I get caught up in this idea of "big."

Especially when it comes to thinking about my future.

And why do I really love "big" anyway? Is it because I love that so many people are being invited to "come and see" Jesus? Or is it because my experience of "big" creates a false illusion of worth, value, and uniqueness?

Guilty: #2.

As an extrovert, I'm energized by massive amounts of people. Yet, in my journey of self-discovery and understanding how God's wired me to serve in my future, I need to be authentic in my love and desire to one day be apart of "big events." Whether that means being on staff at a big church, speaking at big conferences, or becoming a part of an international ministry, it means realizing that I'm not who I am because of the size of the events that I speak at. I'm who I am because of the one I choose to speak about while at these events.

And as I learned this weekend, as I continue on this "quest" to know Jesus better,"

Jesus promises that he will unexpectedly provide the best and the most (John 2).

Jesus sees me all the time and loves me anyway (John 4).

Jesus has invited me to "come and see" life with him (John 1).

And whether BIG or small, size indifferent, I'm being called to somehow- whether by speaking, teaching, or serving-invite others to do the same.

"Come and see."

Not to come and hear me, Melissa Jaworski.

But to come and see Jesus, the living God.

Urban Education

I've just completed my first official week of student teaching.

Well, I suppose I shouldn't say "official." I did have a snow day on my "official" start day.

Regardless, I feel as if I've been student teaching for a month.

Let me share some of my initial thoughts with ya'll.

By special request, I've been placed in a local inner-city urban school. The school is one of fourteen elementary schools in the district. By the time students advance to the district high school, they are 1 of 5,000 students. (That's more than twice my college population!) The school population is heavily diverse; African American, Latino, or Caucasian, etc. In fact, many students move from Puerto Rico, the Dominican, or Mexico to this city specifically for employment purposes! Most of the classes in the school have between 20-25 students, and most of the teachers are Caucasian females. I believe there are about 5 or 6 male teachers.

Beyond the general demographics of the school population, certain details pertaining to the specific culture of inner city education may shock you. With the exception of the 6th grade “magnet schools," no students in the entire district are bussed to their respective schools. Even in elementary schools, the majority of students walk to school. These students arrive at school at 8:30am and are not dismissed until 3:10pm without a single break from doing school-work. Because of wavering PSSA scores, administrators have cut recess from students' schedules to allow for more curriculum, teaching, and PSSA preparation time. Certain subjects such as science and social studies are sacrificed in lieu of preparing students for reading and math proficiency. Students are required to complete daily PSSA computer prep, while some participate after-school in additional PSSA preparation.

In this city, students are used to change. Due to rent payments, monetary issues, or other related causes, families will often move to different parts of the city. Thus, it is not uncommon for students to miss school for several days (or sometimes) weeks in a row! Even more, it is not uncommon for students to change elementary schools mid-year or for students to have attended 3-4 different elementary schools before their fourth-grade year. My cooperating teacher told me a story about how one year she had a class of 28 students, and by the end of her school year, only 8 of those 28 students were her original students assigned in September of that school year.

“Melissa, welcome to inner-city education.”

In the week that I’ve shadowed my cooperating teacher, I’ve gained knowledge about the frustrations, discouragements, and challenges of inner-city education. I’ve watch teachers cry over low PSSA scores and burnt-out teachers scream in frustration. I’ve gained knowledge of the hindrance of uncooperative and apathetic students and parents, language barriers, inadequate funding, inopportune resources, lack of budgeting, etc.

The teachers on my team laugh because of how I’ve been “tainted” by this experience.

And so, you’re probably wondering, when will I be running away screaming?

If I plan to stay in education, that’ll be…

Right around…

Never.

Despite the horror stories, the language barriers, the inadequate funding, inopportune resources, lack of budgeting, etc. I could a more desirable environment in which to teach.

With each new challenge that is presented before me, I’m encouraged and inspired to teach in this particular city. I’ve asked the teachers to tell me as much as possible about the reality of their jobs. I’ve told the teachers that I won’t be scared by anything they have to share. If I pursue education, I will teach in an urban environment.

I will help reveal to these students that they are valuable.

That they are loved.

And that they have purpose.

“She’s so naïve,” they think.

Perhaps. I mean, I do think that I can make a difference in the lives of many.

Challenges won’t stop that.

After all, why choose to be cynical about a passion to love others?