Teaching, Ministry, or...?

When I was 5 years old, I remember spending all of my time in front of a 2ft high x 3ft long black chalkboard that my dad nailed into the wall to display before my "classroom." The classroom, full of young, bright students consisted of none other than a variety of fisher price tables, desks, and chairs with stuffed animals of every color, animal, and shape. My younger brother, John, was the brightest of them all. He always scored well on his weekly spelling test, aced his geography questions, and completed mathematical equations "to the T."

Hours of "playing school" carried me through years of actually attending school and dreaming at every chance possible the day when I would have my own real classroom.

I was a teacher. Always.

That is, until middle-school.

I remember thinking in 8th grade that I was meant to be something "different than a teacher." I remember thinking that I wanted to be someone that was extraordinary; someone that was unusual; someone that would enter a career unfamiliar to most. I desired a job completely different than the typical teacher.

I remember exploring the possibilities of being a fitness director, a personal trainer, a counselor, a nutritionist, a wedding planner-a professional scrap-booker? (I wish.) It wasn't until my senior year of high school, however, when I came across that "extraordinary" experience that's continued to challenge my dream to teach ever since.

I discovered ministry.

In the fall of 2004, I made a firm decision to begin attending Christ's Church of the Valley's high school youth group, Riot. When visiting the youth ministry on my first visit, I remember telling the youth minister, "I could do this. How do I get involved with something like this?"

From that point forward, I began a very active role as an involved teenager within not only the youth group, but the church's Sunday morning children's program; Valley Kids. Immediately I fell in love with the idea of "ministry," and by May 2005, I signed up for a one month high-school internship.

I never forgot my glorified short-lived youth ministry experience, and that summer, I was inspired by the children's minister's skills and talents to teach hundreds of children God's word with such energy and ease. Despite my rather considerate scholarship to a local Pennsylvania liberal arts college, I spent many days that summer exploring Christian school programs for youth and children's ministry. No changes. I left that summer to pursue an elementary education degree at Albright College.

Since then, the joys of ministry have not since left my mind.

After years of continued deliberation between my passion for teaching and my passion for ministry, I was excited this past spring to receive a summer internship within the departments of youth and children's ministry at Christ's Church of the Valley. "Finally!" I celebrated. "An opportunity for me to discern my passions and true calling!"

Yea.

Right.

Don't we all wish it was that easy?

Only a few weeks away from completing my internship, I find myself in no easier of a decision making process than weeks, months, or years before. I've had moments where I couldn't ever imagine even comparing ministry to teaching at a public school. I love this job, I think. I'm good at it, and I could see myself helping to grow this ministry. Yet, I've had other moments where I can't wait until the internship finishes its end so that I can return to Albright College to finish my education program, student teach, and pursue my "true calling" of teaching.

In all honesty, most of the latter moments have stirred from frustrations of feeling incompetent in a specific ministry role.

I've never more easily convinced that I can't do something than in ministry.

Ministry is a lot more difficult than many people know, or think, or care to know or think about!

But for some reason, no matter how many times I think "I can't do ministry," or "I'm just fit to be a teacher," or "this isn't for me," my passion never goes away.

Frustrating.

So I wonder, do I feel a call on my heart to pursue vocational ministry or do I feel a call to do "ministry" while teaching?

Knowing my personality, I wish I knew.

For now, as my internship with children's and youth ministry comes to a close, I plan to collect as
much wisdom, guidance, and experience as possible from the extremely talented staff members at CCV. Come August 17th, I'll be returning to Albright College to finish my last year of college, in which I'll be student teaching in inner-city Reading, PA in the spring of 2009. From there, only God knows.

It's a scary thing to admit that-"only God knows." For 12+ years of my educational career, I've known what to aim for, achieve, and expect of the future to follow. This is one year, one decision, one future that I truly need to learn to give to God.

I hope I'm ready.

I'm glad God is.